Ombré THIS, mofo
Ombré is really hot right now. I’m about five trends behind the current trend, so ombré was really hot about six months ago. Or so. It’s a super-hot hair-coloring trend. My hair isn’t long enough, or thick enough and my face and body (and birth date on my license) aren’t young enough, but that can’t stop me from fulfilling my follicular fantasies through my teenage daughter! Yes, I forced my first-born to sit in a salon chair for five hours while she was poked, prodded, combed, colored, tin-foiled, heated and blown dry.
I was forced to sit in said salon and drink mimosas while leafing through style mags and listening to head-pounding electronica. It was so worth it — she’s got the hair I’ve always wanted. Best part was the conversation at school the next day (as reported to me, I am not stalking my child in middle school, I swear):
Friends: OMG!!!!!! How did you talk your parents into letting you ombré your hair!!!?????!!!!
First-born: my mother made me do it
Heh, heh. According to the West Elm catalog, ombré is even hotter in home decor, as in ombré walls. I’ve got walls. I can do this ombré thing!
I jumped on YouTube and watched a few tutorials. Ok, one, for, like, three seconds but I have adult ADHD and can’t be held responsible. For anything. I actually just bought a mess of paint and the cheapest brushes and rollers I could find. I learned a few things.
I’m not a painter.
Painter’s tape should be applied prior to painting – it isn’t meant to be applied to spilled paint and then ripped off as quickly as possible to remove the paint (the way bandaids work with skin).
Don’t use plastic bags as a drop cloth if you are painting a stairwell. It’s an accident waiting to happen! Alright, not an accident waiting to happen, just a goddamn accident.
PAINT REALLY FAST!!!!!!!! Because the ombré effect only works if all gradients are still damp and you can blend them together seamlessly while running up and down the stairs without wiping out on garbage bag drop cloths.
Buy the second-cheapest brushes. The cheapest fall apart as soon as you look at them and then you’re painting walls with the teeny-tiny brushes from your kids’ toddler paint sets. And that really sucks.
I think the end result is exceptionally mediocre, if that. But it’s done and I am not painting anymore. In my favor: the stairwell is very poorly lit; I will ensure that all visitors have had a few; I will confiscate or destroy all corrective lenses before I allow anyone to ascend the stairs. And good luck getting down, mofos. I removed the handrail and lost the screws.
exceptionally mediocre
Butt cancer
Why a blog? Why not a blog? Idk, but it does give me a chance to write, even if I am just writing to myself. I’m in my late 40’s, have a courageous husband (he’d have to be, to stay married to me), three kids, a rescue dog, rescue cat, rescue rabbit, a cockatiel and a Chinese dwarf hamster, who we once thought had butt cancer – as it turned out, he didn’t – he’s just extremely well endowed. Yup, you can just imagine all the new words the kids learned in that visit to the vet. To make it worse, I had to translate all the correct terminology into inappropriate words they’re familiar with “hmmm..what are testicles? Have you heard of nuts? You get the idea. As the kids (and the vet tech) giggled hysterically, I forked over 250 bucks for the happy knowledge that Casper doesn’t have a tumor growing out of his ass, it’s just his balls!
Casper!
snoeberry 
